`.denyse.
`.18.02.87.
`.maris.st nicks.cj.ac.cj.
`.rgym.track.
`.svdp.
`.blacks.LAME.
`.faith03/04.
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Feb 12, 2005
her feelings she hides.
her dreams she can't find.
she's losing her mind.
she's fallen behind.
she can't find her place.
she's losing her faith.
she's fallen from grace.
she's all over the place.
Posted at 11:22 am by nyx__
Jan 16, 2005
im beginning to down alcohol like how hide downs her pink dolphin. quite an outdated article in my poor attempt at an analogy but yehh. mom's birthday went on great. hmmm... not that i spend the whole day wit her. she had a barbecue that night... like, our whole family. uh huh. just the five of us... my auntie and my cousin and his dad [who can play bethoven's the fifth. wows] who's staying over from indonesia. and a rather unexpected guest whom i will not disclose. wahaha. so exciting. hence. i will not disclose any other events that happened before the barbecue. oh, other than my almost-situation, getting dragged down to town only to realise my brother, cousin and uncle were gonna spend the day at..urh, would you guess funan. so i was saved. and oh, y'all gotta catch kung fu hustle cuz its such a typical stephen chow movie. ohkay, its fulla crap if y'all dont watch stephen chow shows. you could get abs laughing. record laugh for i think almost fifteen minutes. i woulda gone on longer just that the rest of the cinema was... quiet. hmmm... they get quiet so easily. haha. i wouldnt comment on the heading. come look for me if you wanna. so anyway i was just thinking about jack. jack's always a silly person. jack of all trades master of none. ya heard? apparently jack loves learning things to the halfpastsix. then there's another jack who jumped over the candle stick. jack be nimble, jack be quick, jack jump over the candlestick. ya heard? for what i dont know. but for jack to actually listen to someone and really jump over the candlestick? yehh. silly. i mean, read it. its SO someone else telling him to jump. well, i hope he didnt. cuz he'd seal up almost all of my jack-was-a-silly-bugger routine. and how can i forget jack and jill. he falls down while getting water. need i say more. haha jokes. i dont even know why i bother pondering over such nonsense.
Posted at 05:25 pm by nyx__
Dec 31, 2004
Time goes slowly now in my life
Fear no more of what I'm not sure
Searching to feel your soul
The strength to stand alone
The power of not knowing and letting go
I guess I've found my way
It's simple when it's right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
And happy just to be me and be alive
Love, in and out
Of my heart
And though life can be strange
I can't be afraid
Searching to feel your soul
The strength to stand alone
The power of not knowing and letting go
I guess I've found my way
It's simple when it's right
Feeling lucky just to be here tonight
And happy just to be me and be alive Posted at 06:43 pm by nyx__
princesses never cry in the end
you only live once. but if you do it right, once is enough.
- mae west.
i dont know but i think its the one thing i dont have thats keeping me behind all other girls. confidence. bahh humbug. ya heard of it? sorta like, yeah whatever. so its been a while since i actually posted something and i havent been online for quite a while. i havent been going for track training either, but i would like to stress - i havent been slacking. fighting doughnuts training's always good. i enjoy the swim. tsk i've been telling most, as much as i love track, my heart's still wit gym and i really cant change that. eleven years in the business really does hold you like some super adhesive. nevermind. so yesh, after all the bustle wit church stuff, headed on to shanghai. i'm glad i went. spending christmas wit your dad working in china, not the way to go. met him on the twenty sixth. so anyway. thank goodness we didnt decide to meet in phuket. bam!.. and the world would be rid of another nuisance - me. oh pish tosh. it snowed in shanghai. shanghai duane, not hong kong. well yehh apparently it rained till it snowed. yupp. which wasnt supposed to happen. i got my own room. which did make up most of the misery. dont get me wrong i quite enjoyed the trip but being taken away from home when christmas is so happening back home. uh huh. shopped quite a bit. oei blacks. i got y'all christmas presents. yupp so when do you want it? i wont talk much bout how my holidays. its been madd and sadd. frustrating and what not. tsk. kahlua's the best drink you can find around. followed by tia maria. i should stop this drinking business. then there was eight months ago which, then your moments after. i was reading daryl's blog. youre nt alone dude. i think i'm searching for hapiness in all the wrong places. hence, my insides are so bursting to cry out in protest at the direction i'm taking my life to. all these on-off things will have to go. and maybe so do you.i dont know i dont know i dont know i really dont know. one year has gone by and i seriously havent done anything for myself. im' not a happier person than i was last year but im not complaining. just. ohkay i am complaining. because im' getting tired of all the jokes. i want a song to cheer me up. or mebbe. happiness can be found at the bottom of a vodka shot. nice. i dont like her. she just pisses me off. i just grit my teeth in despise of her. insecurity's all i've got. and now i'm hoping for another shot. bahh humbug. i got a real neat photo in my phone. of my two shots i had in shanghai. i miss that night. its good to like get all warm and toasty in the middle of a smoky cigar bar. high on the alcohol and dizzy wit five feet vision. then walk out into the cold winters night. and mind you, when the wind blows in shanghai, it really blows. im' nt looking forward to another year of school. i feel... lost. without ms yeow arnd. come to think of it. yehh, i was thinking of it that day. no seriously. and im' nt ready to face all the unreasonability of having to catch girls wit skirts that... tsk, i will not comment on such bull.and i dont know if im' happy wit you around. i never seem to know a lot of things eh. oh well, so much for aeroplanes running on pedals and clouds made out of cotton candy. i still cant believe my nightmare came true. kevin apart from being my steppister, youre gonna be my dream catcher. wahhaha. i wish for the sweetest things. again, bahh humbug. oh that just comes in handy. you know what. new years resolution - dont complain so much till i make such a big fuss outta everything. relac sua. hur. that gives me bout three and a half more hours to complain.
Posted at 11:20 am by nyx__
Dec 7, 2004
i so agree wit nienie. choir camp kicked ass. started getting sick halfway through camp but that didnt really bother me.. at least the real thing came straight after camp. fever, nausea, throwing up, flu, sore throat, diarrhea, dizzyness and two numb toes. well, i'm basically numb all over now cuz of all the medicine. special shoutout to my most special-est guardian angel vanessa- thanks you so much for the spongebob plate. wahhaah, i'd burst out into fits of laughter whenever i look at it cuz omg its just too cool.. haha, right.
so anyway, we had really cool choir tshirts. classy. thanks vincent for designing it. and nametags... the knees? i thought it was the niece. but anyway, and the bass chick. hur... funny. praise and worship. that was thursday.
friday was hella tiring. woke up earlier than the rest. five thirrty. difficult feat for me but i did it!.. well, think abt it, i'm immune to alarm clocks already. i dont know why. but thanks to van who woke me up. and cuz of that, dez officially hates plastic bags. haha yupp, went jogging wit the fighting doughnuts at a rather fast pace... mass, breakfast, sea bay shack I east coast. pink team (cool colour yehh gill? haha) - oli, abby, vanessa, me, tin, kc, jon (and the two other that oli and i cant remm sorry y'all.) haha. and our cool creation of sandcastle... vegetable farm!.. farmer martin's farm is currently going through.. a flood, was it? haha and it won, omg, it won. then we played another game.. the sponge and sea water thing... i think that was it. where i caught my virus. yuck... but yesh, proud of my group for withstanding the urge to cheat. lunch then off to town for sea bay shack II. something like an amazing race thing. we were good. haha. thanks to jon for trying to keep up wit our group. and kc, ohkay lahh, i was kinda madd trying to keep up wit tin. not because i have the ability to run fast. tin's my mortal. nudge. yupp, then came the stoopid road block... but hey we still made it anyway. then later on we had a session wit randall. which... i didnt know what the hell was i praying about. until it struck me that i have never told my dad how much i cared. our group sharing... i had a lot more to say but hmmm. lets just say i'm tired of feeling the dampness on my cheeks. and it did help me understand many others. i always wondered what does the person sitting beside me have to worry about. prolly cuz my mind can never be where its supposed to be.
a lot of singing, madness, frustration, anticipation and what not. equinox. i must say i was terribly worried for our acapella. but hey, we did really really good. my personal favourite- o holy night and when a child is born. huggs to val cuz i didnt intentionally offend you by being a descant. i was just taking orders... equinox was beautiful. carolling on a helipad. couldnt ask for more. the view was beautiful. it wasnt as windy as i expected it to be. and you could just look up and see the starrs.. sigh... the food was great, (i know i shouldnt say this but) champagne was so much better. but i didnt drink so much cuz, you know, i have to compose myself and get through all the gigs. and of course, watch my social etiquette. christopher lee lookalike. sighs? haha. then things happened. which really brought our choir closer together. everywhere you turn, you see love care concern. it was painful to see so much tears, but it really tore me to see it from two very special people. love yall lots. dont be upset, y'all doing great in the committee aye? stayed up wit kev. slept at four thirrty.
last day of camp. mass. once again, i agree wit leo- here i am to worship was never sung that beautifully. and the homily was so special, about sin and forgiveness. if y'all remembered. had a shower straight after and missed the crowd off to lunch. hence, my gastric. haha. oh dears. so i hung out at the guys dorm. so anyway, played the burden game. watching my mortal carrying everything... tsk.. and even more sharing. about our burdens. which i prolly wont say here. oh, and revealing of guardian angels. that was cool. felt like a casual conversation that involved the whole choir.
well hey, choir camp gets more and more special. i've learnt. i've succeeded. i've failed. but all i can do is know God is carrying me and showing me that every step taken forward is possible. just like he doesnt quit, i'll try to follow. i'll try, i'll try.
Posted at 02:18 pm by nyx__
Nov 14, 2004
Well I can't ever really believe
no one was sent to get me
I feel like I'm being erased
no one got left here
Well I'm all alone
no one was sent to get me
Well I'm all alone
no one got left here
But I'm fine
no one got left here
well I'm fine
no one got left here
I can't even breathe when I see
The pictures sent without you
and I feel like I’m being erased
No one got left here
Well I'm all alone
no one was sent to get me
Well I'm all alone
no one got left here
But I'm fine
no one got left here
Well I'm fine
no one got left here
I'm so sick of this terrible instinct
it's so hard now
Just to find you
I'm so sick of this terrible instinct
it's so hard now
Just to find you
I'm so sick of this terrible instinct
I can only hold you
I'm so sick of this terrible instinct
I can only find you
Well I'm fine
no one got left here
Well I'm fine
no one got left here
Well I'm fine
no one got left here
Well I'm fine
no one got left here
Posted at 09:02 am by nyx__
Nov 8, 2004
a sharks tale is a pro-gay movie. period. vegeterian shark that lies and keeps to himself, knowing his father wont ever accept him for who he is? very familiar, but i shall not comment further. go watch the show. watched home run on 62 the other day and i still cant help but laugh at all the political inferences. clean water/shit water anyone? been bumming arnd the whole hols. i wanna watch a lot of shows as well as catch up on the others i missed during track/gym season. i must say, having pw on the first day has its perks. just get it over and done wit. chinese, well, didnt go too good either. i'm expecting a fail. but again, i got it over and done wit. christmas is in the air and i cant help but yearn more and more of it when we have carolling practices. wahahha. things havent been going too well at home either. i'm not angry. actually it doesnt bother me anymore. not that i dont care, i just cant be bothered. hah, all the jokes bout taking sides and having to please everyone without me being part of your compromise. i'm a happier person *wink wink nudge nudge. haha. blacks outing was good. damn good. i think gill had a good laugh at my blonde spells that day... omg... i think she's right bout my famous pink rubberband. dee stopped over for two days in singapore. met up wit the guy and he's still as sweet as ever. for someone who sat through two hours watching me and my gruelling training just to say hi to mom who'd come pick me up later? yehh. real sweet of him. and lynn saw him at subway but couldnt recognize me? *smacks you. got him chocolate and all. m&ms in a jar. he's off to the maldives btw. alfa's in bintan. derek's staying at cherating. and tito did a double front somer. owweeee!.. trapez is down and the pool's empty. hmmm... club med part two please. please.
Posted at 08:26 am by nyx__
Oct 30, 2004
fell in love wit the boy at the rock show.
i'll never forget tonight. Posted at 11:03 am by nyx__
Oct 24, 2004
yehh well apparently you do have a problem wit me. not as if i never knew, but i believed in the best in you. and i refused to believe that you were that horrible thing that people said you were. i guess i'm wrong and i cant trust you but it was difficult trying not to trip. hope youre happy now that you have that tiny bit of a reason to hate me. sometimes i wonder about the things i do or say and i still dont know why everyone hates me. i find none. but i know i'm never perfect. and i wonder would it be better for someone to be outright hateful towards you or hypocritically hated. i know im a really hypocritically hated person and i've bled once too many times to take another blow from her. her. and her. my mom gave me a good explanation but i'd rather keep it to myself... mebbe it was just a morale booster talk. i must say promos went unexpectedly well. i didnt say it went well. i said unexpected which means i thought i'd fail. hmmm. and all the breaks i'm giving myself aint doing no good cuz everything just piles up on each other faster than i can carry. its just mess after mess and i do not like you. everything's like a roller coaster. sometimes its too fast and sometimes its just too damn slow. i must say, i'm becoming quite scared of everyday that draws closer to next year cuz change has never been this drastic and i'm encountering situations i have never even grazed before and hence, i have no idea how to handle them. things like you. i keep telling people i cannot be who they want me to be and i cannot give them all they want. and likewise for you, if i suck so much, i'd gladly leave cuz im sick and tired of your selfish gimmicks. i'm holding on so much because i love what i do and i'm so motivated by the outcomes which graciously lenghtens my stay. you hate the way i do things and i hate the way you speak. you never did trust me since day one anyway. and you cant deny that i'm very outcasted there cuz really no one talks to me. i'm cool wit that. hell, no one tells me shit when something's going on now doesnt that say something bout the lot. you cant control the way people talk. but i love each and everyone of you for who you are. it just sickens me that when everyone is together, i consciously get caught in your lashes without ever knowing what i did. you good. i wish i could pay attention at praise and worship yesterday. im feeling so damn weak and pathetically reduced to the extent of needing something to cling onto. even if it were a few words to take me through just one more day. ey blacks, let go out chill. oh snap things cant go any worse, the lightbulb just blew. i've been spending many umm, i wouldnt call sleepless nights. watching two scary movies in a span of one week is just too much for me. haha, coward.
Posted at 05:55 pm by nyx__
Oct 5, 2004
a rag a bone and a hank of hair but the fool called her his lady fair.
i know i've said this before. i have the knack of repeating myself. but i've got it up to here and its come to a point where i dont give a fuck any-darn-more. i'm probably the last fucking soul on earth whom anyone would wanna depend on cuz hey, you said it, i'm pretty damn unreliable aint i. they call me chopped liver or the local yokle. my significance is only existent to those who need me in something. my insignificance, well, makes up a jolly good proportion of probably everything else. i would like to cite an example but i wouldnt due to sensitive issues. its all about being second best isnt it. call me. so anyhow, to mean something to someone is one thing. to know who is another. people come up to me and say hey dont frown cuz you never know who's falling in love wit your smile. no i dont mean it in that context but if im seriously that important, i'd like to know to whom. at least i can put some worth into this old bag of baguettes. so what if i'm squarer than the whole lot of you. if you'd talk you'd prolly know better. and so what if i have my own life. everyone else has theirs and you seem to permit theirs tallying wit yours. if i'm your fucking problem just shut me out, i can live wit it cuz hey, i've been getting it my whole life. i dont know why but they wont listen. apparently people gossip. i owe you commitments but i dont owe you a living. if i could fucking please everyone i'd be aceing my promos, continue my medal winning streak and all the jokes. yes. jokes. because they dont mean a thing to me. cuz i fucking never get to do anything for myself. when youre torn between relations and doing something for yourself, it gets difficult. someone once told me never do something for others, do it for yourself and you'd feel a lot better. well apparently, once again, people dont take no for an answer. turn the barrel back at me and i'll stab you i swear. i happen to be 'people' as well. why cant i. i dont socialise, dance or snap photos. i'm introverted, quiet and if you'd like to call it, self centred. because its been such a long time since i've known how its like to care for someone. someone just remind me please. everything is superficial and formal and wearisome. why do i feel like i'm beginning to climb coorporate ladders. i'm supposed to stay out of the business dammit. sabina said i'm stretched. i said no. i'll change that. having to choose between everything you are capable of and everything that you actually enjoy can be quite a task i might say. then some of y'all might just say just fucking choose. and i'll say, hey they all tally. you do one, might as well do all. bio didnt go well. so did chinese but that one's quite expected. i'm expecting tomms physics to go just as badd. so much for my eye twitching just before the exam. what an omen. and i suppose i'll be in fits of laughter after the paper is over cuz of how amused i am wit my detestable performance. i'm such a total let down. tsk, said that already. oh wait, i think you've already said that too.
Posted at 09:05 pm by nyx__
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